But I hates it

March 9, 2026

During my doom scroll last night, it should be no surprise that I kept thinking of search terms. Needless to say, when I woke up, the reality of my surgery being a week away and the uncertainty that it was going to happen. Thankfully, I no longer feel drugged/hungover but my stomach is in knots.

I just want the tumor gone and I thought I was preparing well and was mentally in a good place to just make it happen. The new genetic component is something that is unknown, and I don’t like that! The appointment with the geneticist is tomorrow afternoon and I expect to have more answers then but I’m also worried that it will change the treatment plan and therefore the surgery date as well.

Everything I’ve read, even when I include the specific gene component to the search terms, says that because the tumor is small, the stage is low, and the grade is moderate that surgery is likely to proceed as currently planned. But then I get to worrying that I’ll end up having a second site tumor in the other breast, or what remains of the same one, and need to do it all again. 

That fear is enough for me to push for a prophylactic double mastectomy instead of the unilateral partial. Yes, the surgery and recovery will be more extensive but the thought of having to do this all over again, at any time in the future, is making me sick to my stomach. 

I keep looking for someplace that will wax my underarms on Sunday and then the genetics appointment reminds me that the current plan is in flux. Does anyone else hate their underarm hair but they’re happy to let their leg hair grow long enough to braid?

My plans for self-care before the surgery that will carry me into recovery include a haircut, pedicure, and waxing/sugaring my underarms. I just don’t want to have to worry about any of it and I won’t be able to shave my right underarm due to the node biopsies so I just want them free of hair for as long as possible. That damn genetic diagnosis keeps interfering with all the plans I’ve made!

I’ve gone onto the scheduling site of two places and nearly made the appointment before reality comes screeching back reminding me to wait until tomorrow’s appointment as everything could change. I’m beginning to understand the phrase, “patience is a virtue”. But I hates it!