More Fondling and Squishing

February 9-11, 2026

The instructions that I received from the Breast Center are similar to a regular screening mammogram, basically no deodorant, perfume, lotion, etc the day of the procedure. But they never said no caffeine. 

So I again wake to my alarm blaring … well, in all honesty, I didn’t sleep and was already awake, but my alarm blared reminding me to get out of bed and take a shower. It kind of felt like the movie “Groundhog Day” with Bill Murray or the episode of “Supernatural” where Sam re-lives the same day over and over again.

I had continued to abstain from caffeine, for the most part. I felt that after the week I’d endured that I deserved a “sweet treat” and ended up having a Mountain Dew Zero with dinner one night. 

Since I work overnights, it’s hard to keep from having caffeine and while I was always one to drink a liter (or two) of Coca-Cola every night, I switched over to Coke Zero just over a year ago and cut down to just one 16.9 ounce bottle.

While the world went to hell with COVID, my world did as well. I had been working remotely since 2018 so the basics of my day-to-day life didn’t change … until the end of July. I came down with some kind of virus – not COVID – and though I was working through it, I suddenly lost hearing in my left ear and I went to the emergency room. 

They were so concerned with COVID that they barely asked me about my hearing and I never saw anyone with ENT/Otolarangology but I did have a chest x-ray and a very aggressive nasal swab with immediate nose bleed. The ER doctor came in with my paperwork, said I was negative for COVID, and said I likely have another virus that will resolve without intervention. This was a Sunday. Every night for the next three nights I had a nosebleed around 3am. On Wednesday, it started like usual but I was unable to get it to stop. Finally, after having a nose bleed for 7-hours, I called a ride-share and made my way to the emergency room where I had rhino-rockets placed in both sinuses and was admitted to the ICU to have emergency bilateral coiling of my sphenopalatine arteries. 

Upon admission I was told that my blood glucose was in the 250 range and my A1C showed that was a “normal” range over the prior three months. 

All this background is to show that catalyst for my lifestyle change that finally took place when I moved in 2024. 

So, on February 9th I drove myself to the Breast Center and checked-in. They never asked me for my portion of the co-pay. I was prepared to pay it but since they didn’t ask, and only asked me to sign consent to bill my insurance, I didn’t push the issue.

I was led to a room with a few lockers and asked to undress from the waist up, place my clothing in the locker and change into the same style front tie shirt as the radiology center I went to on February 2nd. I do as they request and take the key from the locker where my stuff is safely stored, and go wait in the room just down the hall to be called. 

Another Monday morning that is below zero, as it has been for weeks, and the room is COLD … and quiet. I didn’t wait long for a tech to call me back for my second round of images in a week. She is friendly, bubbly, and tells me that she is often called back for another round of images too. Is she? I don’t know but it does put my mind at ease a tiny bit. After her fondling me and taking images she leads me back to the same room and says her co-worker will call me back for the ultrasound. Mmmm, I guess it IS needed. To be honest, I figured that they would do the ultrasound no matter what but I was a bit disheartened that it was deemed “necessary.”

Back in the cold waiting room I sit for a few minutes before being called back. If nothing else, they’re expedient and I’m not waiting long. I’m led to a room with an ultrasound machine and a bed. The technician verifies my name and date of birth and asks which side “we’re doing”. She has me lay on the bed and places a positioner behind me and has me raise my right arm over my head exposing my full breast. It’s amazing how natural this all seems. Shouldn’t I be embarrassed that I’ve been fondled by so many women over the past week? 

She reads something on her screen, I’m presuming it’s the imaging report from February 2nd and any pending results from just a few minutes ago. She’s able to place her fingertips right onto the mass; honestly, I can’t even do that!

I’ve named the mass “Mel”. Maybe a tad close to “malignant” but I had a boss at a very short lived job named Mel who had a lot of information and seemed like he knew what he was doing, but just wasn’t a people person. While many people have bosses they don’t like, this man was people clueless and fired me so my mass is “Mel.” I kept my job at the hospital, just not in that department.

She feels around a bit, gets out a little ruler and does some measuring before squeezing on the gel. The ultrasound gel is warm. I don’t remember ultrasounds during my pregnancy having warm gel. This is what I’m thinking as she’s clicking and taking images. I’m fine at this point. Nothing has hurt and it’s barely uncomfortable even over the mass, nothing out of the ordinary or concerning. Then she moves the ultrasound probe to my armpit. Immediately my heart rate spikes knowing that she’s looking to see if Mel has spread to my lymph nodes.

I don’t have a family history of ANY cancer but I’ve worked in the healthcare field for 20+ years, non clinical, and I immediately know that she’s looking for metastasis. No, I’ve not received a cancer diagnosis at this point but this is the point where my stomach sinks and I just “know”. 

The tech tells me to cover up, dims the lights in the room, and tells me that she’s just going to make sure that the radiologist has the images they want. It’s 10-15 minutes later when she returns and apologizes for taking so long but that I can follow her back to the locker room. She says on the way that the reports will be read and my doctor will call me. I don’t need to check out at the desk and to have a nice day.

I figure since I’m out of the house, I can run an errand on my way home and I stop at Walgreens. I really want to go to Tim Horton’s for some coffee but after the lymph node check, I don’t think my stomach can handle coffee.

I’d forgotten to turn my ringer back on and didn’t know that my doctor called me while I was in Walgreens … probably 20 minutes after I’d left the Breast Center. I put my bags on the seat, lock the door, and start the car before I check my phone. Oh, well, this can’t be good. He just asks for a call back. 

Immediately I call the office, listen through the too long menu options and leave a voicemail for his medical assistant. 

When I get home, I go to bed because I have to work tonight but I periodically wake up and see that my doctor has called me TWICE more. I’d already left a voicemail for the medical assistant so I will just wait. A few minutes before the office closes, I get a call back from the medical assistant telling me that my doctor has placed orders for me to see a “Breast Specialist” for a core needle biopsy. I knew it was coming as MyChart stated that a core needle biopsy was recommended. An absolute ton of bricks fall at that point and I lose my shit. Well, lose my shit for me is a couple of sobs and then I pull up my big girl panties and start more research. Which, while shaking head to toe, is hard to do!

I was researching on my tablet in another room and didn’t hear my phone that was on the charger at around 6:30PM. That call was from my doctor … again. Well, there is little I can do now since it’s nearly 8PM and I’ve got to punch in and start work.

By the morning, after work, I am still shaking and not functioning well but I call to make an appointment with the “Breast Specialist” as recommended only to be told that the doctor needs to place the order. I tell the receptionist that I can see the orders in MyChart but she’s insistent that orders need to be placed.

So now it’s Tuesday, February 10th and I’ve had a screening mammogram, a diagnostic mammogram, and ultrasound. I call my PCPs office and leave a message for the medical assistant but I just want this done so I call the front desk at my PCPs office and the first thing they ask is if I’ve spoken with the doctor’s medical assistant. I explain that yes, I did and l left her a voicemail but that I tried to make the appointment and that the doctor needs to do something else before I can be seen. I got a little bit of a run around, but I think they saw the report as they were talking with me because they quickly changed their tune and put me on hold. 

Because of cell phones, I know that I’m on hold for 12 minutes but a different receptionist comes on, apologizes for the long hold, and says that the “Breast Specialist’s” office has a procedure that they’re working through and that they’ll call me within a day or two. They have the order and are working on getting “everything” scheduled.

“Everything scheduled” I’m wondering, what does that even mean?

My PCP calls later that morning to give me the news that we’re “likely looking at a malignancy” and asks if I have any questions. Sure, only like a million but none that can be answered until the biopsy comes back and is staged, if it’s malignant. I did ask if he was willing to give me something for anxiety, pain, and antinausea. He didn’t hesitate but immediately sent in prescriptions.

Maybe 4 hours later I get a call from the “Breast Specialist’s” office and am told that I have an appointment with the Specialist’s nurse practitioner at 0830 on Thursday, February 12th and the core needle biopsy at 0930. Please note that at no time did anyone ever say “oncologist”, nor was I given a choice in the matter; it was a factual, “You have an appointment”. 

Talk about a heart spike! I had a screening mammogram and a diagnostic mammogram with ultrasound one week apart. And now, a biopsy is just days from those? So scary! 

I took this time to have a complete and utter breakdown before realizing that I need to let my manager know. I moonlight for another department within the company several times a year and I’ve committed to them the day after my biopsy.

It takes a while to even find my big girl panties let alone pull them up. But I do, I center myself, and ask on Teams if my manager has a minute for me and ask if I can call her. Mind you, I’ve known for hours that Mel is likely malignant. HOURS, not days, so when I try to calmly explain that 1) I won’t be able to cover for the other department on Friday the 13th like I’ve already committed to doing and 2) that I need to take Thursday the 12th AND Friday the 13th off. I did not explain it calmly.

To her credit, she somehow followed what I was trying to say and offered me whatever time off I needed. While I could have taken the time, I felt that not having the distraction was going to cause me to be “too in my head”.

While I was on the phone with my manager, I received another message on MyChart. I figured it was an appointment reminder but when I opened the app there were several messages, one with an estimate for the procedure. As heard in the original Jurassic Park, “Hold onto your butts” – the estimate is nearly $3000! I’m on a high deductible health plan and that is my entire deductible. By the time this is all said and done, I will have met my lifetime deductible!

Though I have filled prescriptions since the first of the year, somehow the pharmacy didn’t have my insurance on file so I had to call them and have them re-enter it for the 3rd time. After nearly six hours, my prescriptions were ready. When I got back home I immediately took a Xanax and a Zofran. I am crazy sensitive to medications so I don’t want to take an Ultram (pain) with the Xanax as I need to work the night.

While I prefer to take supplements and do things more holistically (Eastern Medicine) or what is now called Functional Medicine, I was happy to have the Xanax and it’s now my new best friend.

Of course, I continue to frantically Google everything as I think search terms, but work is enough of a distraction that I am able to feel normal for a little while.

This brings my journey to the morning of the NP and biopsy appointments.