A Stab at Normalcy

After I punched out of work at 5am, I wrestled with myself to “just get moving”. I wanted to make something specific for dinner – quick and easy and both my son’s and my favorite – but after checking the fridge, I had everything except sour cream. Does everyone have a favorite brand of something and no other will do? I suppose I have several and actually had several more but over the years, with fluctuating finances, alternatives were purchased and some I came to like just as well, if not more. 

We’re all a bit conditioned, I think, by what our family purchased, used, and ate. So, when I saw that I needed sour cream, I checked out my grocery store app to see if I could possibly place an order and pick it up early – like maybe 7am. Alas, no, that wasn’t an option. It rarely is and maybe if I’d chosen another store, like Walmart which we know I’m not a fan of (see February 2nd) I could have but instead I tried to sleep all morning. 

After a pain pill, some antinausea, and finally a sleep gummy, I still wasn’t sleeping and hadn’t gone to the store either. If you’re curious, I live in Michigan and THC is legal. While I rarely use them, they do work for me to get some sleep. Working nights means insomnia happens pretty regularly for me, usually right around season change. It had been below freezing here for weeks – WEEKS – and when it finally started warming up daily to above 32 degrees, insomnia hits like Johnny in The Shining.

I’d just had an appointment with my PCP in November and went through all the supplements I take and why. I’d explained that my prior PCP “downstate” preferred me to take an OTC like Tylenol PM instead of prescribing something. Sometimes Melatonin works and other times it just gives me a “hangover” and still little sleep. The doctor asked what I was taking when I needed sleep and while I sheepishly explained the THC gummies, to my shock, he said he was fine with it. Lab orders were placed prior to my appointment so he had the lab work to show that I wasn’t abusing said THC gummies, or anything else.

Anyway, I basically tossed and turned and read and logged onto my patient portal until maybe 1:30 in the afternoon before I fell into a fitful sleep until around 6pm. I still had some sour cream but not as much as I would usually use in the recipe but concocted dinner with what I had. 

While making dinner I pulled up my messages and read my sister’s, “Any news yet?”. Yup, just decided to keep it to myself even though we’re full blood relatives and you need to know if Mel is malignant. Sarcasm is my second language but I only thought this.  

I ate dinner, ran the dishwasher and started work just like any other day. This wasn’t any other day though as I’d convinced myself that today was the day I would get news in my patient portal. I know, the hospital said 5-7 BUSINESS DAYS but I read several things online from other hospitals of the same(ish) size that said their labs have preliminary results in 3 days. Evidentially my hospital doesn’t “do” preliminary results.

Maybe 4-6 times a year I fill in for another department for a day or two and I’d been asked to fill in on the 24th and 25th. My manager runs as a go-between between that department manager since I work for her which is fine and she messaged me on Teams asking if I could work those days last week before the biopsy. I said I needed to let her know after the biopsy because I have no idea what is going to happen. I sent her an email and explained that I didn’t feel comfortable agreeing to fill in and then potentially having to back out last minute, AGAIN, so I was declining those days with the other department.

My dad worked very hard and often did side-jobs as well, so I have the work-ethic of a depression or boomer era individual. This week for instance, I am starting work early on Thursday and Friday because someone is off. My manager knows that I’m unlikely to say no so I think I’m asked first. That, or I’m so Type A that I look over the calendar and offer before she can ask anyone else.

Thursday the 19th will be 5 days. I had read that many times cases are presented to each doc in the specialty and they weigh in on how to move forward with treatment. Having worked at a larger health institution, I know that their case study days were Thursday mornings so I was presuming that even if the pathology results were available, I wouldn’t likely hear from the NP until Friday sometime. 

I keep wanting to own the mass, the tumor, the diagnosis, and the results but words have power so I am saying “the results” “the pathology” “the tumor”. I don’t want to own it in any way shape or form so please forgive me if I forget to backspace and change “my” to “the”.

As I type this it’s 4:30am and I’m just looking to gather my work thoughts and put them on paper for the person who takes over at 5am. I had few work thoughts so I thought even though there isn’t anything much to say, I would put in an update here.

It’s quickly approaching time to punch out and I wonder if I’ll sleep today. I still have the same errands that I should have done yesterday; I definitely need sour cream now since I used every bit in last night’s dinner.

A loose errand and grocery list is in my head. I should probably make a real pen and paper list. I’m GenX so that is most comfortable for me even though I just take a picture of it with my phone.